You Are Old Father Bob … my parody of the parody!

Old Father Bob ... as rendered as a Tenniel-style line drawing by ChatGPT.

I’ve never been much of a poet, but I decided to give writing a wargaming parody of YOU ARE OLD, FATHER WILLIAM a go … and here it is.

“You are old, Father Bob”, the young wargamer said,
”And your figures are all varnished gloss.
In this day and age, such things cause me rage,
But you - Sir - do not give a toss!”

“Young man”, replied Bob, “that is true to a point,
But when I began to paint figures,
Gloss paint wasn’t bad, because it was all that we had,
And we used it with maximum vigour.”

"The rules that you write, could be thought to be trite”,
Said the youngster with sneering demeanour.
"I tried them once, and thought you a dunce,
Because it they were less than a tenner.”

“The size of book is no guarantee,
That the rules will give a great wargame.
Lots of pages do not,” Bob said to the tot,
“Ensure such, if this is your sole aim.”

“In all of your time, in this hobby of ours
Have you ever done anything worthwhile?”
Queried the youth, with a smirk on his face
And a voice that was suggestive of bile.

“Now see here, you brat,” Bob replied to the tw*t,
"Come and see me when you’ve matched my years
Then show me a list of all that you’ve done
At which point, I’ll buy you some beers.”

I hope that my efforts were not too excruciating to read ... and I look forward to reading your efforts at wargaming poetry!

Work on installing the new shower is complete!

The fitter completed work on the new shower just before midday … and I will be able to use it as from tomorrow morning. (This is because I have to leave time for the silicon sealant to dry before I can use the shower.)

A new shower … and wargaming

Well, after a long wait, the bathroom fitters should be arriving today to strip out our existing shower and replace it with an accessible one. They should take four days to complete the task, and once they have, I can shower again without worrying about getting in and out of the shower or falling over during the process.

Whilst this work is taking place, I’ll not be able to access my toy/wargame room very easily as it is next door to the shower room and will be used to store some of the materials being used by the fitters. As a result, I may not be able to do much blogging for the next few days … but I will spending my time thinking about – and possibly working on – future projects.

You Are Old, Father Bob

Over the last few days, I have been feeling all of my seventy-five years (e.g. aching muscles after undertaking minimal physical effort, dozing off in my arm chair without warning, spending more time finding reasons not to do something than it would take to do it) ... and when I mentioned this to my wife, she replied, 'That's not really surprising, you are old!' (We have been married for forty-three years, so she knows me far too well for my own good!)

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This exchange put me in mind of Lewis Carroll's poem, YOU ARE OLD, FATHER WILLIAM.

"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head—
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door—
Pray, what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment—
one shilling the box—
Allow me to sell you a couple."

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak—
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose—
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"

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The poem was included in Lewis Carroll's book ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, which was published in 1865. In it, the Caterpillar asks Alice to recite the poem, which she does. The book was illustrated by John Tenniel, and I have used copies of his drawings in this blog post.

Seven million hits!

Yesterday my blog has achieved over seven million hits!

The blog was started on Thursday 18th September 2008, and achieved a million hits by December 2015. It reached three million by December 2018 (I missed when it achieved two million hits), four million by November 2021, five million during February 2024, six million hits in October that year … and now, it’s reached seven million!

The Budget Model Railways Challenge floating shelf layout: A problem has made me rethink my layout

My attempts to make progress on my Budget Model Railways Challenge floating shelf layout have been thwarted by a recurring problem ... nothing seemed to stick to my shelf!

I had painted the top surface of the shelf with two coats of yellow ochre acrylic craft paint before fixing the track in place and had also painted the edges with three coats of black acrylic craft paint and three coats of gloss polyurethane varnish. I then tried to use some masking tape on the top of the shelf so that I could paint a road on the shelf ... but when I removed the tape, it took off the paint underneath it!

For some reason the paint had not adhered to the surface of the shelf. I therefore put a length of masking tape on one edge of the shelf and removed it ... and the paint came off there as well!

I took a look at one of the other floating shelves I had bought, and realised that the surface was actually a thin layer of Fablon-like material and that was why the paint was not adhering to the surface of the shelf. I therefore used the tip of a sharp craft knife to lift the edge of the surface covering which – with a bit of effort on my part – peeled off, leaving me with an MDF surface that the paint will adhere to.

I am therefore going to restart my layout from the beginning ... and I am going to take my inspiration from P D Hancock's CRAIG & MERTONFORD RAILWAY. This layout featured Craig Harbour, and I may well include a small harbour on my layout.

A map of the final version of P D Hancock's Craig & Mertonford layout. The harbour is located on the left-hand side of the layout. (© P D Hancock)

Some more ideas generated by using the 'Dominion of the Spear and Bayonet' rules

Having redefined the various types of units, I then began to think about developing a combat matrix that would work with these 'new' units. My current working draft is shown below.

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The following matrix shows the modified D6 die scores required to hit an enemy unit.

Please click on the image to enlarge it.

The combat modifiers are:

Please click on the image to enlarge it.

Some examples of how the combat matrix works

• A unit of Skirmishers infantry fire at a unit of Shock infantry. They must throw a modified D6 die score of 4 or more to hit the Shock infantry. The Shock infantry then charge the unit of Skirmishers infantry, and they only need a modified D6 die score of 3 or more to hit the Skirmishers infantry.
• A unit of Rifles infantry fire at a unit of Firearms infantry at a range of 2 grid areas. They must throw a modified D6 die score of 5 or more to hit the Firearms infantry. The Firearms infantry must move forward 1 grid area to fire back. If they do, they also require a modified D6 die score of 5 or more to hit the Rifles infantry.
• A unit of Shock cavalry charge a unit of Shock infantry. They require a modified D6 die score of 4 or more to hit the Shock infantry. In reply, the Shock infantry also require a modified D6 die score of 4 or more to hit the Shock cavalry.

A new YouTube video: It's a Fair Kop!

I have just uploaded a new YouTube video to the Wargaming Miscellany YouTube channel. It is about the Funny Little Wars lawn game that took place at COW2025.

It lasts approximately seven and a half minutes.

The video can be found here on the Wargaming Miscellany YouTube channel.

Some ideas generated by using the 'Dominion of the Spear and Bayonet' rules

Using Steve Parker's DOMINION OF THE SPEAR AND BAYONET rules has given me pause for thought regarding my own PORTABLE WARGAME rules, particularly the draft Belle Époque version that I have been working on for some months.

At present, units are defined by arm (e.g. infantry, cavalry, artillery) and quality (e.g. elite, average, and poor) ... but using the DOMINION rules has made me re-examine this, and I have come up with the following ideas regarding units.

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Types of unit

• Rifles: These units are armed with modern magazine rifles capable of delivering considerable firepower at several hundred yards/metres. They can fight at close quarters but not as effectively as Shock units and are best suited to fighting at some distance from the enemy.
• Firearms: These units are armed with obsolete firearms (e.g. single-round rifles or black powder muskets) capable of delivering considerable firepower at a hundred yards/metres or less. They can also fight at close quarters but not as effectively as Shock units.
• Skirmishers: These units fight in dispersed formations, and although these have less effective firepower than Rifle or Firearm units, they are also less easy to hit. They can fight at close quarters but nowhere near as effectively as Rifle, Firearm, or Shock units, and are best suited to fighting at some distance from the enemy.
• Shock: These units fight in compact formations at close quarters and rely on numbers and impetus to destroy enemy units. They are vulnerable to fire from Rifles, Firearms, and Skirmishers, but can be superior in close quarter combat to other units.
• Artillery: These units are armed with cannons and can deliver considerable firepower at several hundred – if not thousand – yards/metres. They do not expect to fight at close quarters unless matters are going badly for their side.
• Supply: These units have very little combat power but can fight at close quarters if attacked. Their main function is to act as a source of supply on the battlefield and to represent an army’s train... including its medical services, which can be vital in returning lightly wounded personnel to the frontline.
• Command: These units represent an army’s commander and staff. Their presence can increase a unit’s effectiveness, but if destroyed, their loss can cripple an army’s morale and seriously reduce its capacity to win a battle. They do not expect to fight at close quarters unless in extremis.

Units in European-style armies

• Infantry units armed with magazine rifles. (These can be Rifles [3 SPs] or Skirmishers [2 SPs].)
• Mounted cavalry units armed with magazine carbines and swords/lances. (These are Shock [2 SPs].)
• Dismounted cavalry units armed with magazine carbines. (These are Skirmishers [2 SPs].)
• Machine Gun units armed with automatic machine guns (e.g. Maxim Guns). (These are Rifles [2 SPs].)
• Artillery units armed with guns mounted on carriages fitted with recoil mechanisms. (These are Artillery [2 SPs].)

Units in Native-style armies

• Infantry units armed with obsolete rifles and/or muskets. (These are Firearms [3 SPs] or Skirmishers [2 SPs].)
• Infantry units armed with spears and/or swords. (These are Shock [3 SPs].)
• Cavalry units armed with obsolete carbines and/or swords and/or lances (These are Shock [2 SPs].)
• Machine Gun units armed with mechanical machine guns (e.g. Gatling Guns). (These are Firearms [2 SPs].)
• Artillery units armed with guns mounted on carriages that are not fitted with recoil mechanisms. (These are Artillery [2 SPs].)

Units common to all armies

• Supply: units armed with hand-held weapons that are purely for self-defence. (These are Supply [1 SP].)
• Command: units armed with hand-held weapons that are purely for self-defence. (These are Command [Notionally 6 SPs for the calculation of a side’s Exhaustion Point].)

‘That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind.’

Today is the 56th anniversary of Neil Armstrong's and Buzz Aldrin's walk on the Moon.

They had landed the Lunar Excursion Module (LEM) (which was named Eagle), at 20:17:40 UTC on Sunday 20th July. After privately taking Communion, they then began to prepare to leave the LEM. Armstrong exited the LEM at 02.51 UTC, and Aldrin followed at 03:15 UTC. Having undertaken several tasks (including planting a US flag, leaving a plaque on the Moon’s surface, and collecting moon rock) they had returned aboard the LEM by 05.11 UTC. They then slept for about seven hours before preparing to take off at 17:54 UTC. They docked with the Apollo 11 capsule (which was named Columbia and that was piloted by Michael Collins) at 21:15 UTC, and after Eagle was jettisoned at 23.41 UTC, They began the journey back to Earth.

That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind.

I can remember sitting up to watch the grainy image of Armstrong climbing down the ladder of the Lunar Excursion Module on our black and white TV and hearing him say his immortal words. (We had not yet bought one of the colour TVs that had been on sale in the UK for two years.) At the time, I felt that I had witnessed the dawn of a new age … but unfortunately, that was not to be, and after five more missions, man never again returned to the Moon.

French warships in Toulon

During our recent cruise, we moored at La Seyne-sur-Mer, opposite the French naval base of Toulon. This gave me the opportunity to photograph several warships that were in the naval base.

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FNS Charles de Gaulle

The French Navy's sole aircraft carrier was in Toulon, apparently undergoing a refit.

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Mistral-class helicopter carrier-amphibious assault ship

The class comprises three vessels, FNS Mistral, FNS Tonnere, and FNS Dixmude.

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Horizon-class air-defence destroyers/frigates

The class comprises two vessels, FNS Forbin and FNS Chevalier Paul. (The French do not use the term destroyer for these ships and rate them as frigates, but these ships perform an air-defence role which other navies rate as destroyers.)

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La Fayette-class general-purpose frigate

This class comprises five ships, FNS La Fayette, FNS Surcouf, FNS Courbet, FNS Aconit, and FNS Guépratte.

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D'Estienne d'Orves-class offshore patrol vessels (formerly avisos or sloops/light corvettes)

This class comprises five active ships (six have been transferred to the Turkish Navy and six have been decommissioned and/or scrapped), FNS Commandant Blaison, FNS Enseigne de Vaisseau Jacoubet, FNS Commandant Ducuing, FNS Commandant Birot, and FNS Commandant Bouan.

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Durance-class multi-product replenishment oilers

This class comprised five ships, of which three have been decommissioned, one was sold to Argentina, and one remains in service (FNS Somme).

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The hulk of the decommissioned vessel of the Suffren-class of air-defence frigates was moored some way from the main naval base.

Whatever happened to the Budget Model Railway Challenge floating shelf layout?

The simple answer is ... not a lot recently.

The reasons are simple to explain, namely a two-week cruise from 22nd June until 6th July (and all the subsequent post-cruise sorting out), followed by an important Masonic meeting on 9th July in St Albans, and COW2025 from 11th to 13th July. As a result, I don't seem to have had much time to do anything to the layout.

I did get the layout onto my work table on earlier this week ... only to discover that during our cruise our cat had 'investigated' it, and whilst doing so, it had damaged to painted surface. I have now repaired the damage and hope to begin work on the layout in the near future.

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I still intend to add my border fortress to the layout, but not until I have repainted it a lighter colour. When I came back from our cruise, I realised that it was far too dark and looked very gloomy.

Dominion of Napoleon Bonaparte has been published

The latest in the 'Dominion of ...' series of rules has been published ... the much-awaited DOMINION OF NAPOLEON BONAPARTE.

The rules have the same structure and game mechanisms as the previous ones in the series, but includes certain period-specific rules to make them suitable for solo wargamers who want to refight Napoleonic period battles.

Armies 'cost' 12 points and most units 'cost' 2 points each.

Units fall into one of the following categories:

• Line Infantry: These are infantry that fight in line and rely on firepower. Typically, these are British, Austrian, later Prussian, later Portuguese and some Spanish infantry units. Frequently used in a defensive role.
• Column Infantry: These are infantry that fight in columns and rely on overwhelming numbers. Typically, these are French, Russian, early Prussian, early Portuguese and Spanish infantry units. Frequently used in an attacking role.
• Light Infantry: These are infantry that are used for skirmishing. Examples include British Riflemen, Austrian Grenzers, and French Voltigeurs.
• Heavy Cavalry: These are heavy and medium cavalry that rely of shock to defeat their opponents. Typically, these include Horse Grenadiers, Cuirassiers, Carabineers, and Dragoons.
• Light Cavalry: Typically, these include Hussars, Uhlans, Chasseurs, Light Dragoons, and Cossacks.
• Artillery: These include field and siege artillery.

Units can be given attributes that reflect particular tactical advantages and/or unit quality. These are:

• Defence advantage (D): Troops in fortifications, behind a river, or uphill of their opponents have a defensive advantage. Likewise, certain disciplined units (e.g. Elite or veteran Column Infantry) may also have a defensive advantage. This advantage adds 1 point to the 'cost' of a unit.
• Attack advantage (E): Elite or veteran units may have an attack advantage (e.g. Elite Line Infantry and Elite Heavy Cavalry). This advantage adds 1 point to the 'cost' of a unit.
• Unreliable disadvantage (UR): Troops who are poorly trained, inexperienced, or understrength, may be regarded as unreliable. This disadvantage reduces the 'cost' of a unit by 1 point.

Examples of typical units include:

• British Hussars: Light Cavalry (cost 2 points)
• French Imperial Guard Infantry: Disciplined Column Infantry (cost 3 points)
• British infantry in a village: Elite Line Infantry in fortifications (cost 4 points)

A typical pair of armies (in this case for the Battle of Salamanca, which is the battle used in the rules as an exemplar) are:

• British:
• 1 Unit of Dragoons (2 points)
• 1 Unit of Hussars (in surprise flank attack) (2 points)
• 1 Unit of elite Line Infantry (3 points)_
• 2 Units of Line Infantry (2 points each = 4 points)
• 1 Unit of unreliable Artillery (1 point)
• Total = 12 points
• French:
• 1 Unit of Dragoons (2 points)
• 2 Units of disciplined Column Infantry (3 points each = 6 points)
• 1 Unit of unreliable Column Infantry (surprised) (1 point)
• 1 Unit of unreliable Column Infantry (Sarrut with reinforcements) (1 point)
• 1 Unit of Artillery (2 points)
• Total = 12 points

The combat rules include specific sections that cover pre-battle artillery fire, unreliable units, infantry vs. infantry, cavalry vs. cavalry, cavalry vs. infantry, fighting artillery, and rallying.

The rules also include army lists and dispositions for twenty-five battles:

• Montenotte (11th to 12th April 1796)
• Lodi (10th May 1796)
• Rivoli (14th to 15th January 1797)
• Pyramids (Embabeh) (21st July 1798)
• Marengo (14th June 1800)
• Austerlitz (Battle of the Three Emperors) (2nd December 1805)
• Jena (14th October1806)
• Auerstedt (14th October 1806)
• Eylau (7th to 8th February1807)
• Friedland (14th June 1807)
• Bailén (16th to 19th July 1808)
• Roliça (17th August 1808)
• Vimeiro (21st August 1808)
• Corunna (16th January 1809)
• Wagram (5th to 6th July 1809)
• Talavera (27th to 28th July 1809)
• Salamanca (22nd July 1812)
• Borodino 1812 (7th September)
• Berezina (26th to 29th November 1812)
• Vitoria (21st June 1813)
• Leipzig (Battle of the Nations) (16th to 19th October 1813)
• Hanau (30th to 31st October) 1813
• Quatre Bras (16th June 1815)
• Ligny (16th June 1815)
• Waterloo (18th June 1815)

My collection of Napoleonic figures is currently in storage, but as soon as I can gain access to them, I hope to refight some of the battles featured on this list.

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The DOMINION OF NAPOLEON BONAPARTE rules were written by Steve Parker and published in 2025 by Orc Publishing. They can be bought in PDF format from Wargame Vault for $5.90/£4.40.

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Whilst researching her genealogy, my wife came across an interesting story that was originally published in The Advertiser (South Australia) on Tuesday, February 23, 1999. It tells of research carried out by Robert Torrens (who is described as a local historian) into a story that Bonaparte's grandfather was actually William Bayne, who fled abroad from Balloch (a village near Crieff in Perthshire, Scotland) in the aftermath of the failed Jacobite Rebellion of 1745. The ship the family were sailing in was wrecked off Corsica, and they were treated so well by the local population that they settled on the island, where they were known as Bayne (or Buon) and his party. Subsequently, his sons were called the Buon-de-party or Bonapartes.

This is a wonderful piece of genealogical whimsy, as it is generally accepted that Napoleon's paternal ancestors were minor nobility (the Cadolingi di Borgonuovo) from Tuscany, who had emigrated to Corsica at some point during the late 15th century. His maternal ancestors (the Ramolinos) were also a minor noble family, but that they originally came from Lombardy. Napoleon's grandfather was Sebastiano Nicola Buonaparte (not William Bayne!) and his parents were Carlo Maria Buonaparte and Maria Letizia Ramolino. They were living in Maison Bonaparte in Ajaccio, Corsica, when Napoleon (whose baptismal name was Napoleone di Buonaparte) was born there on 15th August 1769.

Reception at St George's Garrison Church, Woolwich

On Wednesday afternoon, Sue and I attended a reception for His Royal Highness the Duke of Gloucester at St George' Garrison Church, Woolwich. The Duke is the patron of the trust that looks after the church and we were invited because we have donated money to their latest appeal, the building of a Gurkha and Commonwealth memorial garden on a plot adjoining the church.

The reception ...

... was opened by the chairman of the trust, Tim Barnes KC, MBE, ...

... who welcomed His Royal Highness ...

... and the other guests to the event.

We were then entertained by the choir of Sherrington Primary School, Charlton ...

... and members of REACH ('a theatre company for adults with additional needs') who are based in the Tramshed in Woolwich.

After the entertainment (and whilst the rest of us enjoyed a drink and some cake), the Duke spent time circulating around the reception attendees, and especially spending time with the choir and the theatre group, before leaving.