'I am a qualified Apple Mac engineer ...'

Today I had a new variant on an old theme!

Today's caller – 'Gary' – informed me that my Apple Mac laptop (which I DO NOT own!) had sent Apple's 'central and main office' in the USA an error message, and that he was there to help me 'resolve' the problem.

I decided to take the advice given to me earlier this month. Firstly I told 'Gary' that I was in the middle of cooking breakfast and that he would have to hang on for a couple of minutes whilst I finished. (This was NOT true.)

He hung on.

I then asked him if I needed to be sat at my laptop. When he replied in the affirmative, I told him that it was upstairs, and he would have to hang on whilst I went up three flights of stairs. (This was NOT true.)

He hung on.

A couple on minutes later I again spoke to 'Gary' and asked him the nature of the error message. He repeated what he had told me earlier ... so I asked him what the nature of the error was. He replied that all he had was the notification that my laptop had an error and that he would take me through the procedure to remove it.

I then asked him how he knew my contact details ... and he told me that Apple Mac had sent him my name, address, and telephone number along with the error message notification. I asked if he wanted to check them ... but he told me that this was not necessary. I asked why … but all he kept repeating was that he had received the information from Apple Mac.

I asked him if I should sit in front of my (non-existent) Apple Mac laptop. He replied in the affirmative and I wasted more time telling him that it was turned off and needed to be turned on. I then claimed to be having problems with my Internet connection … and this wasted more time. After another couple of minutes I told him that my computer was turned on and the Internet connection was fully functioning ... but before he could begin to tell me what to do I again asked the nature of the error. I again got the scripted reply, at which point I interrupted him to ask whether the error message had a code number. This seemed to nonplus him somewhat ... and then I added that as a computer professional these sorts of technical details interested me ...

... at which he apologised and rang off.

That was some ten minutes ago ... and I have left the 'phone off the hook ever since. It is making funny noises … just as if someone were trying to make ‘phone calls but was finding that their connection was not working.

Will these people never learn?